NURSE OF LIFE!!!

I have had my overly fair share of the havoc a needle can cause in the hands of nurses and my buttocks are a living proof of that. To start with, I must confess that I have a phobia for injections and this dates back to my childhood. Trips to hospitals scared the hell out of me and once I was taken into the injection room, there was usually an eruption of drama and i sometimes got spanked by my angry dad or left to the mercy of the nurses by my mum. I'll never forget my screams of

"MUMMY TAKE IT FOR ME... YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII"

Now, as I grew older, this phobia remained the same, the only thing that changed is the little swagger I try to add which sometimes fail me. I hate injections, Yes, but these mean nurses further add salt to wounds.At least some of the know how to inject people and give minimal pain.

The last encounter I had, which I'll never forget, happened in 2013. I was serving then, but I was home for a break i guess and I got a little ill. As the custom in my house, I had to go for a laboratory test to know exactly what was wrong, in order to get adequate treatment. The lab attendant immediately knew of my age long phobia as I began to vibrate for her, even as she opened the injection from the nylon. She laughed at me and assured me it wont hurt (how on earth will you pierce someone and think it won't hurt?). To save both of us time and deliver me from my misery ASAP, I looked away, gritted my teeth and stretched my hand. did it hurt? Of course, it always does to me, but she was nice and it was over quickly.
I was diagnosed with typhoid (thanks to the different sorts of water i drank outside my home).

I went to the hospital hoping and praying that I won't be placed on injection. As the family doctor went through the result and began to write his prescription, I didn't know when I burst out saying

"Sir, there won't be any need for injections, right? I'm not sick like that, as you can see, I'm doing OK, so drugs will be fine"

He laughed and said

"Don't tell me you are afraid of injections, big girl like you? You need injections to flush out the typhoid because of the magnitude"

Chai, this na gobe oooooo, I thought within me. I went back to the reception downcast and I was just hoping for a miracle to happen.

"MISS TOSIN JOSEPH"

That was what snapped me out of my thoughts. I slowly walked towards the injection room like i was headed for the hangman. As i got in, i hesitated to pull down my trousers, like I expected her to get the message and tell me to go in pity (I wish).

"Sister, oya na" she said.

I sighed and did as I was told but as she came close with the injection, I kept moving sideways.

"Aunty stay well oooo, so it wont wound you"

I should have just fled for the love of my buttocks but I stayed and as she inserted the needle, I couldn't help but let out

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Her hands must be made of iron because it was very painful and it took so much will for the tears in my eyes not to roll down.I walked out of the hospital with a huge frown, unable to mask my pain or form swag for the crowd at the reception.

(I THOUGHT MY MISERY WAS TEMPORARILY OVER, AT LEAST TILL EVENING)

As i got into the car, i noticed i couldn't sit well. Stupid nurse, it will soon go sha, i told myself. I got home, took my drugs and slept. As i got up in the evening to go for the evening dose, i was in pains and was just pissed off. However, the evening nurse was much better but i couldn't sleep well that night. I woke up in the morning with pains and i felt really strange in my buttocks and as i checked, i shouted

"JESUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

(MY MISERY HAD JUST STARTED)

My right buttock had doubled in size and not in a sexy way at all. it took God;s grace to go through with the remaining two doses. Did i tell you of the pain i felt? You cannot even imagine it! It took two whole weeks before i could sit normally again, thanks to ice and Robb in the hands of my grandmother and cousin, who didn't take it easy with me and were deaf to my screams. For the first one week, i couldn't sit, i just laid on my side and walking was a herculean task. Later, i had to take some time to find a comfortable sitting position.

Even as I write this, the souvenir in form of extra yansh, given to me by that cruel nurse, is still very much in sight...